The first day of school is possibly one of the most terrifying times I a kids life. Especially when a child has never been to school before. Now imagine an 11-month-old child who has just been removed from his parents, had an unstable life up till this point, and just got thrown into a new family.
This was the case for Ian. Four days into being our new family and it was his first day of school. We were lost on what to do where to go. His day care is the most amazing understanding place I have ever been. There were three teachers in his classroom. Ryan and I were probably more nervous than he was.
Ian went to the other kids with ease. As far as we know he had never been with kids in a day care setting. This day was a long one for us. At the end of the day I was ready to bite my nails in nerves on how he did. His teacher Miss. S. said he was a joy to have. There was no issue or problems. There were a million questions they had. They needed a pic of him to place up on the board in their room. (To this day our very first family picture is still there). We had to find out all the rules that pertained to him, as well as what the schedule they had for him at school.
Then Ian looked up and saw me. It was an unforgettable look. It was a look like we actually came back. His eyes spoke in a way that only a parent can understand. It said you cam back to get me. It can break a heart of anyone. But all parents who take their kids to day care for the first time understand this look.
That night he slept well. It was a tiring night for us all, between the stresses of not knowing how his day went, to all the supplies that had to be bought for school. Who would think that an 11 month old needs a list of supplies. It is not the same world it that it used to be when we were kids.
Back then my mother had the luxury of being home with us all the time. Today is a different world it takes at least two incomes to keep up with a middle class life. But in one week we would have met our new C.A. who was assigned to our case, as well as be in Massachusetts preparing to be married while friends would be in Florida taking care of Ian for us.
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© 2012 David Z. Pfeffer
Going back to Safe Place was not easy. We got there early, and at the advice of a good friend Kristina (who is a foster parent for 5 years who has had 9 foster children, with the honor of adopting 2) only one of us brought Ian into Safe Place. I brought Ian in while Ryan waited patiently in the car. This was supposed to be a quick drop off. We were 20 minutes early for the visit.
No sooner did I walk into the lobby of Safe Place did a slender older woman greet me at the door. She is fair skinned with long blonde hair. Upon first glance she did not look like anyone from South Florida. In a soft gentle voice I heard “IAN”. Through my mind all I could think is *&^%#$@! I did not know what to do. Was this the woman who had lead this perfect little man to foster care? She reached out to get him, and I clutched on to the little guy for dear life. No sooner when she tried to reach in to take him from me did the child advocate (child-net employee who acts as the child’s guardian while in foster care) who was working that day come out from the back office and greeted me. He was a familiar face at a very frightening moment. This was the same man who had introduced Ryan and I to Ian several days earlier. I got ushered to the back where his office was as the lady was told in a firm voice to wait in the lobby.
To this day I thank him for that few moments to gather my thoughts. I had a lot of questions about what do I do, what will happen during visit, etc. It was all very confusing. I did not know what to do, where to turn or what was going on at this point. I felt as if I had no control of my own life. The child advocate knowing that Ian was our first placement allayed my fears of what was going to happen. No matter how many times Tiffani had prepared us for family interaction in MAPP class I was not prepared for the reality. Kristina the day before said it was like a feeling you can’t explain unless you are living it. To me it felt as if my heart was being ripped right out of my chest, and my whole body was like one sore nerve. Through out all this I was clutching on to Ian for dear life. The child advocate assured me that we can wait to start the visit until I was calm, and ready to go back out there. I knew I had to be brave. I was a father now, and could not let my fears get in the way of my responsibilities. First and foremost Ian deserved to see his family. The child advocate walked me outside to the lobby, to ensure that I was ok. He held on to Ian for me as I gave my little guy a kiss on his check. This was to be the longest hour of our lives.
I returned to the car and Ryan was calm and collected or so I thought. Later on that day after we got home he admitted that it was tearing him up inside. Sometimes this what I need is a rock of Gibraltar. This was one of those times. I am one of those who wears my heart on my sleeve. Ryan is not.
Finding an hour to kill, seemed like an impossible task. Every minute seemed like an hour. We finally got back to safe place a few minutes after the hour was up. Expecting to see the one person who I wanted to hold more than anything in the world, I got greeted by the child advocate who was supervising the visit. I was informed that the lady who was visiting with Ian was his grandmother, from the Midwest. Now that Ian was in foster care, and she lived out of state getting her grandson was a more complicated task. In the back of my mind I was hoping that she would see him, and not even try.
Yes I know this was a very selfish thought in my mind, but I was not in the most clear headed space at this point. The visit with his grandmother lasted an hour and a half. She was leaving back for home to start the process to bring him back, and this would be the last time she would see him for months. Looking back I cant blame her for wanting to spend as much time with him as possible, I would too.
The rest of the weekend was spent preparing for our up coming wedding in Cohasset Massachusetts, two weeks later and most importantly Ian’s fist day of school on Monday.
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© 2012 David Z. Pfeffer
We wanted to take a moment to express how our thoughts, and prayers are with those families who were affected in the recent tornadoes in Indiana.
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This is a chance for readers to contact us directly, and connect with fellow readers.
This blog has been a great sense of joy for us to write, and share with you. The adventure is just beginning.
Dave and Ryan
Ellen Kahn with her two daughters. (Blade file photo by Michael Key)
Only two out of 10 elementary school students have learned about same-sex-headed families, according to a new study commissioned by the Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network (GLSEN). Combine this with the fact that same-sex families with children live in 96 percent of counties in the United States, and we clearly have a failure to teach children about the world and people around them.
Two days in at this point, and we had a handle on everything. Or so we thought. It’s Saturday morning, there is a visit planned at safe place with a relative. Let me tell you I was not looking forward to this. We loved him already, and we started to think of him as our own child. This is a great thing, because it helps the bonding process. But nothing helps it like just spending time with a child who needs love.
The visit wasn’t supposed to start until 1130 am. Ian got us up at 630 am. By 800, when I was used to getting on a Saturday I was wide awake. Ian was still trying to get to know his surroundings. The one thing we have learned is patience with this process. Foster children will need time to adjust to their new environment regardless of age. Although Ian seemed to start to become comfortable from Day 1. We were very much in a honeymoon period as foster parents, and parents. What did we know. We were at this for 36 hours at this point. Being he was 11 months old we knew he should be getting ready to speak if he had not already. We knew for sure he was not walking. Unfortunately for Ian, it was a case of neglect, where he was not interacted with much before he came into our care. This is an unfortunate truth often times with children who come into foster care.
At the time the easiest way to get to bond with him was to play with him and talk to him. There was an empty cardboard box on the floor from a package that came the night before. It is amazing how children will make anything into a toy. This box which I had by the door to go out for recycling later that day became the only toy in the world that this boy wanted. This was an opportunity to play with him on his level, and try to work on his speaking.
While playing with the box on the floor like it was a drum. I kept practicing the word(s) Daddy and Dada. I felt like i said it a hundred times, and probably did to be honest. But you can see in a child’s eyes that they are processing what you are saying. He had this look. Out of nowhere he looked up at me and said DADA. I thought maybe I was hearing things, but he said it again. Ryan and I both heard it this time. My heart melted. He had this look of being so proud of himself in that moment. We may have had something to do with that being that we made such a big deal about it. Who wouldn’t? ! It’s the first time I heard my child call me Dad. You never forget that moment. It stays with me to this day. Most dads try to describe that moment, but it is indescribable.
As wonderful as that day was, between posting it on Facebook, and calling everyone I knew to brag. The day had a sense of reality as a foster parent which quickly set in. Ian had a visit with his family at 11:30 am. A reminder a child who we were already in love with was not our forever child.
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© 2012 David Z. Pfeffer
* the names of our foster children have been changed to help protect their confidentiality.
The day started as all the others. We had been licensed foster parents for 3 weeks at this point, and was getting restless to hear from the stork. (this is what the foster parents at our agency refer to as the person who makes the call). All I knew at the time was we were getting an 11 month old Caucasian male.
It felt as if time stood still. I called Ryan immediately to tell him the news. He was in as much shock, and awe as I was. Tears of joy were running down our face as we spoke over the phone. It was 1:45 in the afternoon, and we had three and half hours to prepare. It is no longer the two of us there is now three.
Those hours flew by quicker than I thought possible, while at the same time dragged on. We got to safe place. ( this is a part of DCF where foster children get picked up and have visits with their biological families). We walked in eager to start our new lives, wanting our new foster child. What seemed like hours was really only minutes. Then they brought out the most perfect little boy in the world. His name was Ian. Blond hair, blue eyes and now our responsibility. I understood in that moment what parents mean by love at first sight with their children. We were in love with him from the second we saw him. The workers at safe place knew nothing about why he was removed, if he had family, or anything. All they knew is he needed love. Which we were ready to give him.
The world had a sense of perfection for a few moments that day. We were dads. There is no going back at this point. Time to move past go, and collect our perverbial 200 dollars. That moment was priceless.
Then we realized we had no diapers, wipes formula anything!!! Great way to start but it’s early. Off to Costco we go. For those who know me, they are not suprised. Sometimes I feel like I live there. But we had no idea how many anything we needed so might as well stock up. This trip had to be a comedy of errors, from sitting in the parking lot trying to figure out how to open the stroller, to wondering how to get Ian out of the car with out waking him up. We managed somehow. Now there is one important thing we overlooked. While shopping we were so used to running in with out a cart to minimize how much we can spend. This was a big mistake. The comedy of errors that this caused could not be funnier if it was on I love Lucy.
The workers at our local store were falling all over him, he was so handsome. We could not believe it, but reality hadn’t set in yet. It will when it was time for Ian to go to sleep. That’s when we knew it was real.
The night went well up till then. We had never been parents, let alone foster parents. So we called friends who knew. Our neighbor who is a mother of two and grandmother of two Diane came over, as well as our friend Laurie-Ann. Poor Ian was screaming so loud we had no clue what to do. He was quiet for hours. But I guess reality set in. He was with strangers and scared. No matter what any of us did he would not calm down. At this point I was wondering did we make a mistake ? Can we do this? Then I remembered the most important thing.
As Laurie-Anne and I walked out the house to get the little man some clothes, toys, and food for the morning we can hear the screams of fear through the parking lot. I turned around to look at Laurie-Anne, all she said was ” Its going to be a long night. Welcome to parenthood.”
© 2012 David Z. Pfeffer
* the names of our foster children have been changed to help protect their confidentiality.
Six years ago Ryan and I met. I had just moved back to the United States from spending several years overseas in a school which unfortunately closed. I moved to Florida not knowing what I wanted, all I knew was I wanted a change. Little did I know that on August 6, 2005 I met the person who six years later to the date I would marry and begin my family with.
Fast forward five years later. October 2010 the adoption ban in Florida prohibiting same sex couples from adopting was officially over. Ryan and I would not have to hide who we were to adopt. Now comes the question how do we go about to do it. The obvious decision to us was to go and interview foster agencies in the Fort Lauderdale area.
After many weeks of calling and asking around we found our fit. Kids in Distress (kids) foster agency in Wilton Mannors Florida here we come. Trying to hold back my excitement I called and got a list of their foster parent class orientations, and we began our lives as future foster parents January 2011. Little did we know not only were we getting an extended family of support through this agency. Our foster director Tiffani laid out the good bad and ugly of fostering. It was made very clear she only licenses a few of us in this orientation. We started as a group of 35 at graduation 10 weeks later there was 12 left. We were the ones who made it through and had what it takes to be a kids foster parent. That one call in October changed our lives for the better in ways we could not know till 7 months later when were licensed foster parents and got the call. We were parents.
Check out our newer entries. We welcome you into our lives on this journey.
© David Z. Pfeffer 2012
